The Problem With Being A Girl, Part III

Victimhood: The Individual

Let me preface this rant by saying that all women are guilty of being willing victims, including myself. So while I may get preachy here, you need to know that every women will struggle with something in her life, some weakness, some flaw. The only difference between perpetual victims and temporary victims is the ability to learn from one’s mistakes.

Hopeless Romantics: These women imagined a perfect life for themselves, and they’re waiting for it to fall into their laps. They’re waiting for their soulmate and have yet to figure out he doesn’t actually exist. They want a fairtale wedding, a fairytale husband, a fairytale job, and a fairytale life. They are the dreamers who never stopped dreaming even as they grew up. And while there is nothing wrong with wishing upon a star, if you’re just waiting for good things to happen, chances are they never will.

ID-100155463  Image by Feelart from

Hopeless Romantics also have high expectations for their lives. Their chief emotion is disappointment, because nothing turns out the way they hoped, the way they dreamed it would be. While the Hopeless Romantic may only be harming herself at first, her disappointment with such a non-fairytale life will likely push her into bitterness. And her bitterness and feelings of ingratitude, her inability to recognize the good in her life, will sour to the point of making her a bitter, selfish, ungrateful woman. That’s not a pleasant way to be.

The best remedy for the Hopeless Romantic is to be proactive and grateful. Life takes work and commitment, dedication, and you have to get over your fear of failure. You can’t hide from the world and expect the world to come to you. You have to be involved. You have to be out there. Secondly, you have to understand what gratitude is. If you’re waiting for circumstances to make you happy, you never will be. If you can’t find joy in your life right now, as imperfect as it is, you’ll never find joy in a fairytale life. Because what we imagine and what we experience are two different things. If you only flex your disappointed and bitter muscles, that’s all you’ll feel long term, no matter how many dreams come true.

Insufferable Vanity: It’s obvious who suffers from vanity, isn’t it? Or is it? Vanity affects more women than we can guess, and it doesn’t require beauty to be vain. Vanity comes in many forms. The most vain women are the ones who are negatively obsessed with their appearance. In fact, it’s safe to say that women who are always complaining about how they look are more vain than women who post 19 perfectly-posed selfies a day on social media. That’s not saying the selfie-enthusiast isn’t vain. Yes, they are, but they’ve also accepted that they’re beautiful. And accepting that you’re okay just as you are is a healthy step up from trying to get others to tell you–over and over again–that you really are beautiful.

ID-10055302  Image by Stuart Miles from

Vanity diminishes you as a woman. It makes you an Is Woman instead of a Do Woman, desperate to be something over which you have very little control.

So to all the vain women out there (myself included), please stop. The world doesn’t revolve around you and what you look like and how you feel about what you look like. Be a Do Women and give to your friends and family, instead of demanding they give to you, that they notice you. Notice them, not in a phony, overly-flattering way, but take a genuine interest in what they’re thinking and feeling. Your beauty will come naturally if you stop trying to possess it.

Afraid To Be Alone: This woman isn’t waiting for Mr. Right. She’s out in the world in a desperate search for any male creature who will have her. She cannot–must not–ever be single for longer than a day. If she can reduce her horrifying solitude to an hour, those 60 minutes of not being attached to someone may still be too long. The fear of being single has led her into relationships where her boyfriend has cheated on her and abused her. He may have abandoned her, stolen all of her things, or locked her out of her own house.

ID-100164586  Image by Sira Anamwong from

This is the most dangerous willing victim out there, because her lack of discernment can cause a domino effect. If the world around her is lucky, she’ll keep these dalliances she confuses for the real thing to herself, and they will only affect her. But the world doesn’t work like that, and it’s often those with the most power who don’t know what to do with it.

To the ATBA woman, you need a hobby. You need friends. You need a career. You need something besides an obsession with men. Listen closely. You will never find yourself in a good relationship out of desperation. In fact, by making your life about getting, having, or losing a guy, you’ve left little room for anything else. All the default relationship advice, such as sharing common interests, finding someone who’s not controlling, someone with a job, someone who respects you, none of that matters to you. You have no interests, and no man respects a desperate woman. So you’re stuck repeating the same mistakes over and over again and wondering why you can’t find lasting love.

This is not an easy lesson to swallow, but it’s necessary if you plan to grow as a person, if you intend to grow up and give up the selfish helplessness of youth. It requires overcoming what comes natural to you, and that is one of the hardest things any person can do.

I’d like to conclude–now that I’ve insulted every woman out there, including myself–by saying that women have never been, and never will be, the weaker sex. We’ve got a heavy line to tow, a lot of power, a lot of opportunity, and a lot of terrifying responsibility. This is why we can’t afford to be weaklings and victims.


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